Re: why not scream?

["Peter T. Chattaway" <petert at interchange_ubc.ca>]

On Thu, 19 Sep 2002, J. Marie Hall wrote:

> > this pain is real...and somehow-- in some warped way perhaps--keeping
> > dad real to me.  sounds completely ridiculous even as i type it
>
> i don't think that sounds ridiculous at all.  in fact, it seems to be
> one of our standard coping mechanisms.  same thing with forgiving people
> who've hurt me--letting go means letting go of how i understand my
> identity and in our case of missing our family, letting go of
> leslie/your dad.  
>
> i think we're supposed to...but not in the way that is alienating and
> cold.  the fact is, i never "had" her in the first place.  she was never
> mine.  i really believe that life is fluid.  when i hold someone's in my
> hand, my hand must remain open, turned/offered upward for that life to
> rest there, with me for a time.  but if i clutch it, i lose it.

[ nod ]

I am reminded of C.S. Lewis's observation, in _A Grief Observed_ (which he
wrote after the death of his wife), that we all tend to create images of
other people in our minds, and that being in someone's presence often
means being surprised by them in ways that shatter our images of them.  
Among other things, Lewis was concerned that, without his wife there to
surprise and startle him, his image of her would become frozen -- or,
worse, would change in a direction quite different from who she really
was.  Somewhere along the way, it occurred to Lewis that he had an image
of God in his mind, too, and that God may have been using the death of his
wife, and the pain and anger that followed, to shatter his image of God
and to restore their relationship to a higher degree of authenticity.

So, fluid, yeah.  "To the motion be true," as Cockburn says.

> my dad is finally playing music again.  this is a big deal.

Glad to hear it.  I can think of few things as sad as the loss of one's
ability to enjoy music, or good books, etc. ...

--- Peter T. Chattaway --------------------------- peter at chattaway_com ---
 If true love never did exist how could we know its name? -- Sam Phillips
          Happiness happens but I want joy. -- Marjorie Cardwell

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References:

• why not scream?
• From: "J. Marie Hall" <fionaeval at yahoo_com>

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