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why not scream?

hi twila and list :)

ysoi said:

I'll go on.  And I'll try not to feel guilty, as if
going on is a betrayal. Beyond that, I'll put one foot
in front of the other and wait for it to get better.

---> well said.  as for getting better: it probably
doesn't...but i think you do.  and as for strength, i
don't have it.  that is what i pray for, beg for. 
lately i've been praying to be grateful in every
circumstance--something like this makes the
complexities of that hit home more than i'd like.

for the christian: i don't know if this sounds trite
or not...my weakness is the perfect place for god to
be strong.  i'm weak anyway, whether i'm actually
aware of it or not.  

but i'm aware given this kind of pain, and i can truly
say that he is strong...certainly carries me.  i have
cried out for comfort and known it in god alone.  it's
one of the only times i can really say i "felt" his
love.  that may sound weird 'cause i certainly believe
he does.  i believe that's who he is.  but there are
some moments that you can actually feel it.

you (twila) said:

that place, and imagine the pain.  my family is
preaching to me to get 
over
the anger...that it is letting "satan" win.  that is
only serving to 
deepen
the anger and the depression.  this pain is real...and
somehow-- in 
some
warped way perhaps--keeping dad real to me.  sounds
completely 
ridiculous
even as i type it

-->i don't think that sounds ridiculous at all.  in
fact, it seems to be one of our standard coping
mechanisms.  same thing with forgiving people who've
hurt me--letting go means letting go of how i
understand my identity and in our case of missing our
family, letting go of leslie/your dad.  

i think we're supposed to...but not in the way that is
alienating and cold.  the fact is, i never "had" her
in the first place.  she was never mine.  i really
believe that life is fluid.  when i hold someone's in
my hand, my hand must remain open, turned/offered
upward for that life to rest there, with me for a
time.  but if i clutch it, i lose it.

if i didn't clutch leslie so much in my heart already,
it would be easier for me not to nurture that pain and
try to hold on.

you said:

but i still want to scream and
stomp my feet.

-->why not do it?  ya know, if we'd just be honest
about how we felt and where we were at with things, i
think we'd see more clearly.  the humility of being
able to be ourselves puts us in a place of getting
better--all this wisdom and healing has a place in me
if i'm humble.  i sure as heck can't be humble if i
pretend to be more calm/equanimous/accepting than i
actually am.

twila, i think you have really expressed the pain
well.  i'm not good at it--at all.  it's
unintelligible groans when it _really_ comes out.  but
i've noticed a difference lately, in the last few
months.  and the difference has been what i offer
here.  maybe i'm learning something.  maybe my heart
is being healed.  

i'm actually able to hope so now.  i think leslie
would hope so.  my dad is finally playing music again.
 this is a big deal.  the whole stinkin' family is
doing better--even if this hurts like nothing i'd ever
experienced before it.  her birthday is next month.  i
wonder how i/we will celebrate her this time.

slowly,
j. marie

=====
All human nature vigorously resists grace because grace changes us and the change is painful. -Flannery O'Connor

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