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Re: shaking my fists at the sky--which rained healing....




 to all of you who responded with such amazing encouragement...i thank
you..from the bottom of my heart.  to hear how those of you who don't even
know me were feeling pain with me...that just blows me away.  i am just so
amazed at what a great group of people hang out on this list.  in fact, i
often printed out insights i gleaned from the discussions here...to discuss
them with my dad.  my dad was always my barometer....if something one of
you said puzzled me...i'd bounce it off of him.  no, i didn't always agree
with him...but i knew that my dad's heart was as pure as they get...and his
insights were so very important to me.  and i hear so many around me that
knew dad tell me how often they just wish they could call elmer and ask him
what he tho't....

it's almost exactly the time 6 months ago that i went to the emergency room
when i heard his chest pains were starting again...and i saw my beautiful
father in such incredible pain.  in about half an hour i would have
whispered the last words i know he heard from me..."hang in there dad.  i
love you."  as much as i loved my father....love my mother...it's always
been tough to vocalize it.  i knew i was loved growing up...but it wasn't
vocalized often.

so saying it was always a little tough.  this time the hard thing was
seeing how he looked at me in complete pain...responding with his eyes as i
kissed his sweaty cold forehead.

 this morning i rode my bike to dad's grave...14 miles away...in the
dark..during a thunderstorm.  it was so surreal.  my light made a freaky
path in the fog...the drops of rain were crystals...and with oncoming
headlights..it was so bizarre.  it started raining about halfway
there...building in intensity. ..until i was soaked. but the rain was
warm....and......... h  e  a  l  i  n  g.

 i sat on the cold wet ground .....where 6 feet below lay the body of the
man i admire more than anyone i know.  i saw the crude sign that marks the
spot for the tombstone, with my mom's and my dad's name scrawled across it
in heartless black. ...i had to turn away...i watched the sky brighten as
the rain faded...a light mist filled the graveyard...and the tears poured.
i yelled at god...i cursed those who pushed dad in his last years...i
remembered him in his hospital bed...attached to hoses and lines...watching
the last beats of his heart...his tired broken heart...and i ached...but
then i saw his face as he read the christmas story to all of the
grandkids...as he did every year...and the ornery sparkle in his eyes as he
got to the part where mary is on the donkey on the way to bethlehem...and
the angel just wished he could get behind the donkey and push!...and as
tradition demanded...all of the siblings break into maniacal laughter...god
i miss those blue eyes...

...i managed to finally stand...and made my way to mom's...where we just
talked about every-day stuff for a little.  then i made my wet trip home
before i came to work...

where i got all of those wonderful responses from all of you...and i felt
healing inch forward just a bit more.  so to all of you...thank you.

  i wish you all a wonderful day....and thanks for making mine a lot
brighter.

 whew.  that was a long post....sorry about that!

                   ~o
                 _' \ <_
                (_) / (_)  ..................twila




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