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a new awakening...
hi kids. a lot of people have been e-mailing me privately, asking me questions of my hinting at the beginning of faith...and i wanted to display this publically, because i think it's important. don't worry...i still plan on e-mailing you privately (hi mark! i missed you!)
many of you know me. and many of you who know me happen to know that i am one of the non-christians running around in this little group. we seem to be the minority anymore, but that's ok too. i don't mind being a minority...i rather think i thrive on it.
at any rate, for those of you who don't know me, i want to make a few things clear. i have been a member of this list since 1998, when my stevieboo (who better not be in texas when i'm in california at the end of the month!) introduced me to them. i found over the rhine playing an over-21 show at rosebud in pittsburgh, i made my dad go with me (since i was only 19 at the time), and after hearing karin sing three songs i went to the merchandise table and bought all three of the cds that were for sale.
i fell in love with them for the music...and i didn't really get the words. you know, as much as i'm a singer, and as much as i love to write, words have always been second to the music for me...and that's a far away second at that. not that i enjoy instrumental music...for a far prefer singing...but i almost wished, for a while, that all singing was like rachmoninoff's vocalise, sung by sylvia mcnair...a floating voice singing "ah" with all of the emotion in the world...heaven!
that's when i knew i wanted to sing forever and ever.
at any rate, i've had severe issues with christianity over the years...including in grade school when i was ostracized at my catholic school for being friends with black students and the like. it started way back then, and went through middle school, in public school, when i went for the marian award in girl scouts. i was denied the award because i wasn't enrolled in some sort of youth group or ccd class. however, my troop leader told me that i was the only one, of all of the girls who were getting the award, who truly deserved it.
events like this and then other happenings throughout my life made me realize that i had to make my own future, and that made me think that god had nothing to do with anything. i always believed in him...just not as anyone or anything that had anything to do with me...he might have created the world a long time ago, but what did that have to do with me now?
well, i'm slowly coming to grips with things...and again, it's all because of the music. i'm singing with chamber singers now, which is an internationally reknowned choir from my university (mark...when i come to europe in may you better come to one of our concerts!), and the music making experience is one i've never had before. as many ensembles as i've sung with, never have a felt such passion for the words...for once the WORDS became truly important.
i think i mentioned this before...we're singing "ubi caritas" which starts off by saying, "where there is charity and love, god is there." how true...i never thought about it before, but it's so incredibly true. and that means that he never leaves my heart...and that knowledge has come at a time when i need it most of all...i never thought i would think that way, but i do, and it's incredible, and i'm HAPPY.
we're also singing a song by eric whitacre, which is based on a poem by ee cummings..."i thank you god for most this amazing day." go to www.whitacre.com and listen to it...it will make you cry. i cry everyday in rehearsal...every single day.
i found an angel. my choir director is an angel...and he brought me to god...i finally heard him calling to me...and it's incredible. absolutely incredible.
but don't expect me to believe in jesus yet...let's take it one step at a time. *wink*
i have to go to charlie brown rehearsal now...thanks for listening to me ramble on. i hope that answered some questions...and also made some people think of some questions in turn.
i love you guys. i need you all. don't leave...and reach out to touch me. you don't know how much it means to this girl who feels all alone sometimes...even when she has all the people in the world to hug and love her.
*hugz and kisses*
jessyka
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