System Downtime: COMPLETE!

In perhaps one of the most transparent upgrades ever, my ISP today switched us over to logon-free bootup. This ends the potential downtime I mentioned in a previous article (which we actually hadn’t done, figuring we’d find out about the upgrade sooner or later even if we didn’t power down), so everything should be working normally.

LANGLEY: I'm Dreaming of a BLOODY Christmas

Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now.

Mr. Langley, details of our demands have been sent to you several times now, and still you have done nothing? You have failed to enact even one of our requests. This is unacceptable. It appears to us that you intend to take the Christ out of Christmas once and for all. And we are saddened, Mr. Langley. Deeply saddened, by your lack of compassion.


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As you can see, your child is in mortal danger. The vacuum above is a full 12 Amps, one of the most powerful consumer models, and we’ve customized it to include a shredder attachment (just out of frame). Just know that it would make quick work of your child, even if there isn’t a bag in the vacuum, or if the bag is full.

LANGLEY: JESUS Roasting on an Open Fire!

Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now.

Your defiant attitude has forced our hand, Mr. Langley. You’ve given us no choice but to escalate this issue since you apparently do not believe that we’re serious about the harm that your child faces.


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What kind of cold-hearted person are you? Don’t you care about our demands? Or aren’t you getting them?

LANGLEY: Jingle Bells… All the Way to HELL!

Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now.

Mr. Langley…We’ve come to understand that it’s possible that you haven’t yet seen our demands. Due to an unfortunate series of technological gaffs, we realize that our demands may not yet have been sent from our computer to yours. We don’t have a printed copy, because we forgot to buy paper for the printer.


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Yeah, that’s the kid under some Saran Wrap. So quake with fear, you tiny fools!

This is all really unfortunate, but you must understand — it’s our first kidnapping ever. Well, Roger was peripherally part of one when he was in middle school, but that wasn’t really the top-notch kidnapping we’re trying to accomplish here, even though it seems we’ve messed it up.

We feel really badly and embarrassed about the confusion, but we’re using Macs. I’m sure you understand.