Samuel Pierpont Langley

Langley was an assistant observer at Harvard College Observatory from 1865-66 (under the directorship of Joseph Winlock). Together with Austin, Peirce, Searle and Winlock he observed nebulae with the 15" f/18 Merz-refractor installed in June 1847 (see picture). The results are published in Ann. Harv. Obs. 13, 62 (1882). Langley discovered 1 object: NGC 3355 (HN 215) on April 12, 1866, a galaxy in Hydra.

On Saturday, December 14, 2002, there was a tearful reunion as Mr. Langley was finally reunited with lil'baby Jesus.

Jesus was returned to Mr. Langley in the middle of a piece of a King Cake. The little prince is home, and is reportedly doing well.

The kidnappers, who were never positively identified, have not been caught.

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We are very happy that there was a peaceful resolution to this horrid kidnapping.

Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now. Click Read more…, below, for more information.

You cannot imagine how bad these last 24 or so hours have been. Roger got mad when we told him we didn't like "REIGN OF TERROR", and he quit the program.

AND he took the Mac. Our latest set of demands, supposed to be at NOON today, got delayed until now. We're sitting here in an Internet Cafe' writing this threatening letter, but we're pretty much out of luck because Roger ALSO took all the great pictures of lil'baby Jesus being terrorized.

This has not gone the way we'd planned. Not at all.

No! I do not want a refill on my coffee! It's decaf, anyway. Regular coffee makes me jumpy. Get away from me.

So, Mr. Langley… What are we going to do about your little king? You've never responded to any of our demands. We're sort of out of ideas here. Do you have any suggestions for us?

I do NOT want a scone to go with my coffee! It's decaf, anyway.

Geez. These people take the cake.

Your next set of instructions will appear at noon (EST) on Sunday, December 15, 2002.

Do not fail, Mr. Langley. The salvation of the world rests upon your decision.

Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now.

We think we’ve got the technical details mostly worked out (a friend lent us his PC), and are ready to once again launch our "REIGN OF TERROR" once Roger gets the list of demands OFF the Mac and onto the PC. Roger thought of the name, "REIGN OF TERROR", and he’s really quite proud of himself. Everyone else on the team thinks that name is a little tired, but no one has the heart to tell Roger.

Anyhow, here’s a picture of your little child, again with the danger and the peril and the screaming…

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Yup. That’s the lil’shaver INCHES away from being squarshed by a menacing car tire. If you don’t act fast and respond to our demands, it’s SPLAT CITY for JESUS! Don’t think we’re kidding. We’re not.

So, without further ado… At last, and finally, here’s our list of demands! MWU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-ha…

That’s not working. The demands didn’t transmit.

And Roger tells me that the file with our demands has gotten messed up (damned Macs). It looks like it’ll be a while until we can get that sorted out.

So, Mr. Langley, we have NO CHOICE but to horrify you some more with some pictures of the fate that awaits the King of Kings…

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Again it didn’t work. Those aren’t even the right PICTURES, dammit. I’m really embarassed. Let me try it again.

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THIS IS TERRIBLE! These aren’t even close to the right and scary pictures. That’s Tinkerbell, a sorta-scary picture of Jesus in the freezer (he’s sitting on Dreamery Ice Cream, so how bad can it be, really?), our secretary Carl, and another moderately scary picture of the Lord of Lords in the microwave. I’d attempt to frighten you by telling you that it’s a 1200 watt microwave, but the reality is that it doesn’t work that well.

Okay. This is it. Last try.

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AHA! TAKE THAT, Mr. Langley!

At last, some satisfaction… Here we’ve got three TRULY HORRIFYING pictures of the fate awaiting your little baby. That’s your little savior being dropped down a spinning disposal, being sacrificed to our gods on a pyre of roaring flame (well, a roaring tea candle, but it still gets pretty hot), and finally, perhaps most throat-clenchingly awful of all, your child moments away from a most unflattering makeover using Mary Kay cosmetics!

Being evil isn’t easy, but it sure feels good. I’m feeling pretty confident, so how about one more, awful, disgusting, nauseating picture, just to show you how very serious we are! Here it comes, Mr. Langley. You might want to sit down, because what you’re about to see will certainly shock you! MWU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-ha…

Click the image for a larger view.

That’s it. I give up. I’m going to bed.

Your next set of instructions will appear at noon (EST) on Saturday, December 14, 2002.

Do not fail, Mr. Langley. The salvation of the world rests upon your decision.

Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now.

Mr. Langley…We’ve come to understand that it’s possible that you haven’t yet seen our demands. Due to an unfortunate series of technological gaffs, we realize that our demands may not yet have been sent from our computer to yours. We don’t have a printed copy, because we forgot to buy paper for the printer.

Click the image for a larger view.

Yeah, that’s the kid under some Saran Wrap. So quake with fear, you tiny fools!

This is all really unfortunate, but you must understand — it’s our first kidnapping ever. Well, Roger was peripherally part of one when he was in middle school, but that wasn’t really the top-notch kidnapping we’re trying to accomplish here, even though it seems we’ve messed it up.

We feel really badly and embarrassed about the confusion, but we’re using Macs. I’m sure you understand.

Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now.

Your defiant attitude has forced our hand, Mr. Langley. You’ve given us no choice but to escalate this issue since you apparently do not believe that we’re serious about the harm that your child faces.

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What kind of cold-hearted person are you? Don’t you care about our demands? Or aren’t you getting them?

Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now.

Mr. Langley, details of our demands have been sent to you several times now, and still you have done nothing? You have failed to enact even one of our requests. This is unacceptable. It appears to us that you intend to take the Christ out of Christmas once and for all. And we are saddened, Mr. Langley. Deeply saddened, by your lack of compassion.

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As you can see, your child is in mortal danger. The vacuum above is a full 12 Amps, one of the most powerful consumer models, and we’ve customized it to include a shredder attachment (just out of frame). Just know that it would make quick work of your child, even if there isn’t a bag in the vacuum, or if the bag is full.

Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now. Click Read more…, below, for more information.

Mr. Langley! Your sloth is unacceptable. You are endangering your child.

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Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now. Click Read more…, below, for more information.

Do not trifle with us, Mr. Langley. We are serious. Quite serious.

Click the image for a larger view.

Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now. Click Read more…, below, for more information.

Click the image for a larger view.