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Re: Pardon.

Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? 
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there 
with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it 
in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? 
Thank You."

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.  Then I 
noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they 
mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that 
April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes:
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use 
words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.'  Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? 
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?  I'm not making fun of it. 
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the 
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.  And the women 
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's 
because we can't see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god. 
He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over 
there.  Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do 
that when I have gas.  "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long 
now..."

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior 
Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out 
entering wet shawl contests.  Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she 
gave you for your birthday.

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each 
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners 
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I 
don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they 
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate 
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's 
hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for 
commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it 
and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did 
you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 
cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel 
very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" 
(Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you 
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls 
for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's 
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I 
hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, 
yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test 
is back. Stop sharing the love."
Follow-Ups: