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it is well with...

I'll cross my fingers, murmer prayers, and bite my
lip.
I'll hope there are muses for electronic mail.
I'll sing along silently, with the crickets, and the
whirring fan, with a few whispered halelujahs of
thanks.


because I miss talking to you.
but there is so much to say.
and everything to say.
and nothing to say.


earlier this evening, we were calking.  it's funny how
the place on w. pine street feels like ours, now that
I know there are cracks and holes in the walls,
waiting to be filled with putty.
      we found it only a week ago, and it's funny to
think I have a new home.  I had been biting my nails
steadily and wondering where on earth we would be
living in the next month, as the date trickled down
closer and both my sister and I were determined not to
stay where we were living.

I don't know what I'm doing, still living in Grove
City.  but I don't get too restless when I look at the
hardwood floors of my new aparment and know I can
dance there.  when I sit on our front pourch, looking
past all the windowpanes and know I can paint there. 
when I shut the door to my own bedroom and know I'll
be able to cry or laugh or search there.

so, I've found home for a little while.

and in the meanwhile, the place I used to call home is
much friendlier.
     it's been a long time coming, but after sitting
me down on the couch and all of us highlighting and
circling around and staring in the eyes our fears, my
mum and da and me finally came to something akin to
peace.  I can go home and stay for a little while.  I
can do my laundry.  I can talk to them about those
things I hardly have figured out and recognise a bit
of wisdom that I trace as much as possible in my mom
and dad.

yeah, they kicked me out again.  we came to that
resolution, after a semester's dodging and failing. 
this time around, I stopped my crying and started
scrounging for what I could find.

my first find was a job at Subway.
yeah.  I was the local sandwich artist.


it's kinda funny.  the patrons pretty quickly
established that I was the quirkiest one there, but
pretty quickly there were rumours and insistings that
I should take management, as I was the girl that was
"always on top of the ball, always moving."

you know, it feels really good.
even if it is only excelling at dicing tomatoes and
making change.

no.  it's more than that.  it's so much more than
that.


but monday I start my new job at the apple of the
town's eye--Wendell August Forge.  i don't know where
that's gonna go or what it's gonna offer.  so far, a
few more nickels an hour and a fluffy victorian
uniform.

I'll be the one in the hoop skirt and puffed sleaves.

(grinning)

and a couple of friends came around again.
I thought I'd lost them, despite all the coffee and
all the murmerings of everything.  but the words start
coming back and you think that mebbe this time we'll
be the wiser, despite where there are patches and
holes.

and I am very well loved.
and very well blessed.

I say all this--I say it because I wanted you to know
I'm doing pretty fine.  I wanted you to know I'm doing
the very best I can.
    and am astonished at the grace of God.
    I'm astonished at the way he graces us.

I've said that all before.  I'll probably be saying it
for every day and every day.  I hope so.  because it
is getting good.  as tough as anything I've ever
experienced, but I'm not running away and I'm hardly
calling myself crazy anymore.

I've got half a dozen prizes and I'm happy to take
aim.
we'll see where all the piercing pointed stuff flies.
and where it strikes and holds.


this doesn't say the half of it.
but this night is warm.  the warmth is lovely for
silence.

thanks for your time.
thanks for listening.


lindsey renee'.

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