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Jokes from around the world ĦOT!
Ok, forgive the mass email. Most of you know I typically
abhor such things. But this allegedly scientifically studied
and compiled listing of the worlds funniest simple jokes was
too good to not send to a few friends. So, Enjoy. And feel
free to send to me ONCE how Bill Gates is going to give me a
billion dollars for beta testing his new email program.
BSC
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT....
Oct. 3, 2002
By John von Radowitz
www.icwales.co.uk
Here are the jokes judged funniest by people from different
countries around the world.
TOP JOKE IN THE WORLD. Two hunters are out in the woods when
one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and
his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and
calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead!
What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then
a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now
what?"
TOP JOKE IN WALES. A turtle was walking down an alley in New
York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police
detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he
could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the
detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I
don't know, it all happened so fast."
TOP JOKE IN ENGLAND. Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool.
One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept
with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to
see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I
SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're
drunk."
TOP JOKE IN SCOTLAND. I want to die peacefully in my sleep
like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his
passengers.
TOP JOKE IN NORTHERN IRELAND. A doctor says to his patient,
"I have bad news and worse news".
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news
possibly be worse?".
The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since
yesterday."
TOP JOKE IN UK. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus
driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.
Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down,
fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just
insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell
him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
TOP JOKE IN USA. A man and a friend are playing golf one day
at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip
onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the
road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off
his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His
friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching
thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man
then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
TOP JOKE IN CANADA. When Nasa first started sending up
astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens
would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem,
scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop
a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater,
on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures
ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a
pencil.
TOP JOKE IN AUSTRALIA. This woman rushes to see her doctor,
looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles
off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this
morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair
all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and
pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had
this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me,
Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then
calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing
wrong with your eyesight...."
TOP JOKE IN BELGIUM. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp
out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out
burning ducks.
TOP JOKE IN GERMANY. A general noticed one of his soldiers
behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper
he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down
again. This went on for some time, until the general
arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The
psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and
wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it
up, smiled and said: "That's it."
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